


love is such an ugly word

by anon_ee



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Episode: s11e09 The Gang Goes to Hell, Gen, Short One Shot, Unhealthy Relationships, and run on sentences, i wrote this for myself oKAY, indulgent use of commas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-17 07:08:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29467764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anon_ee/pseuds/anon_ee
Summary: The words "I love you" triggers the worst thoughts in Dee, especially from him.
Relationships: Dee Reynolds & Dennis Reynolds
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	love is such an ugly word

Her father has just resigned himself to death - he's not really her father, Dee knows, but some part of herself that she refuses to question insists on thinking of him as her _father _as he sinks down, screaming “Highway to Hell, baby!”. She can’t remember when the water got so high, so close to the ceiling, so surely coming to consume them. The realization of their coming end is burning hot, some sort of ironic contrast to the bitingly cold seawater. Dying in the brig of some ship that sailed in the name of an apathetic God, floundering with the same people she’s been swearing she’d ditch at the next opportunity since she was 14 years old.__

____

“Sis,” she hears, and she turns to see her brother. He doesn’t look like Dennis in that moment, so completely powerless. Weak, wet, his makeup long run-off. Genuinely afraid in a way so aberrant and ineffable as to render the expression unnerving. Dennis doesn’t look like the man who had tormented her for years, the version Dee has honestly dreamed of killing. As if the rising water had baptized him, Dennis looks like a child once again. Dee imagines that when they used to hold hands as babies, in their big house that was always barren of friends and full of arguments, terribly afraid, that his face there might’ve been a fraction of his helpless desperation here. She stares stupidly at him, marvelling at the familial nature of the title of “Sis”. She's somehow "Sis" despite the fact Dennis rejects the fact that she’s even part of their stupid Gang, their little family, and she believes that he’d disown her as his own flesh and blood if only he could. “Sis” - a moniker purposely ill-fitting and ironic, like “Sweet Dee”, caustically thrown at her every day, a constant reminder of what she fails to be.

____

“I love you.” 

____

It sounds like the words were dragged out of his mouth. Not so that Dee believes he is being dishonest, only that it pained him to say it, as if there is some kind of great tragedy or shame in loving her. The fragility is blatant on his face in a way she doesn’t believe he has ever so freely expressed. For a moment it feels as though her own mouth is dry and heavy, filled with sand, so she turns, glancing first at the water and then the ceiling, silently estimating how close one is to the other, how little time there is before the rest of them are completely engulfed. It almost feels just. She focuses on swimming again. The words seem to bounce off her, as if it were just another of Dennis’ empty insults, as if they were in the bar again. Or even back at home, when he would call her elbows too sharp and she would call his nose too big and it meant nothing, less than nothing, really. There’s a chilling nostalgia in those memories. Some twins have a language only they understand. She and Dennis have a game of mutual torture that only they play. _Had_ , she supposes.

____

Dee thinks, somehow idly, that maybe Dennis has never told someone he’s loved them in earnest.

____

Perhaps Dennis has told girlfriends that he loves them, too, so that he could - what was it? _I - Inspire Hope_. And then he left all of them, having used them in one final, sadistic way. The way he used to befriend the crows first, and only then torture them, and finally break their fragile necks in one satisfying _snap_. Sometimes Dee used to admire him for that, his unflinching methodology.

____

Dee imagines that Dennis may have told Mac he loved him, too, or at least surely made him believe it. Perhaps he uttered the words in a moment where Mac’s loyalty and foolish romantic hope wavered enough to cause Dennis panic. Because if anyone was ever to _leave_ , to make that final decision, the one that can hurt, it’s Dennis. It could only ever be him. He always did ensure that. 

____

And though Dee never had a chance to see those private moments between her Mom and Dennis - the ones where, presumably, he grew to be the favourite - Dee imagines that maybe Dennis had told Mom that he loved her too, in his childish naivete, when she would still pet his hair and agree with his narcissistic fantasies. The thought of it brings Dee a new wave of scorn towards both of them.

____

She thinks of each time Dennis has told _her_ he loves her before this but those memories seem to fall away, his claims of brotherly love so baseless they're hardly worth remembering. 

____

____

It’s too claustrophobic to make sense of the words “I love you” here. Love has turned into such an ugly word. If she were younger, perhaps Dee would’ve stayed on Dennis’ face and not have turned so quickly. She may have even returned the sentiment. Instead she wants to say, “ _Love?_ You _love me?_ 40 years and you say _you love me?_ ”. 40 years of fighting and control and momentary truces that only ended in more distrust, of insults and competitions that wasted both of them until they were hollow, of making oneself miserable to keep the other destitute and joyless, of instilling self-consciousness and misanthropy until both of them knew the only other person who knew how they felt was the very person who made them so unhappy. 40 years of playing a game with no end and no winning, the only motivator being momentary pride in seeing one brought down at the hands of the other. 

____

After a lifetime of this, it is surely a betrayal to say _“I love you”_. 

____

The urge to these thoughts tastes bitter and forced and, most of all, tiring and useless. Dee has been keeping herself afloat while hating her company and, as if all her efforts in her life have been distilled to this moment, she is suddenly so sick of it all she wants to relent. Relent to whatever is inevitable. Again she’s reminded of their empty game. It’s supposed to be her turn now, to stab Dennis in his vulnerability, just as he would to her. Instead, Dee repeats the same attitude Dennis often offered her throughout her life, whether it be in her times of need or rare moments of pride. _“Whatever.”_

____

**Author's Note:**

> it's family day where i live right now so i thought it's an opportune time to post this lol :^)


End file.
